A Mess of Thoughts...

I can't believe that I was in Haiti a little over a month ago. Sitting here writing a blog about my experience seems a little surreal. It feels like it has been forever since my feet were in the Haitian dirt. My heart hurts a little bit just thinking about how I am not there. The frigid weather in Boone reminds me to appreciate the scorching hot heat in Haiti.

I find it hard to allow my mind to wander back to October in Haiti as it is too painful. When I came home, I was so certain that the Lord was guiding me to spend a longer amount of time in Haiti. The internship that Mission of Hope offers seemed like a dream at the time, but now I am unsure. Maybe the "Haiti High" has disappeared and I have fallen back into the comfort of my life here. My most recent trip evoked feelings I didn't know I had. I had such a peace and an "okayness" (word I made up) while I was there. I was scared because I didn't feel as broken as I had before. Everyday I questioned myself because my mind was unable to see just how broken Haiti is. I still don't know why I had so much peace while I was there. I was expecting my heart to be shattered at every moment and every encounter. However, I felt like I belonged there. Instead of questioning "why am I here?" I just knew I was supposed to be.

Leading up to my trip, I did a little heart seeking in order to figure out my purpose for going. I was reminded by someone very wise that my purpose in going was to serve God and the people there. How silly it was for me to let that slip my mind. Instead of going with the attitude of, "what is Haiti going to do for me?," I needed to be reminded that I wasn't going for my benefit at all. I really do have to trust in the Lord and His goodness and sovereignty because I may never see the seeds that were planted while I was there grow. The work we did seemed so minuscule and it didn't appear as if it bore fruit, but I know the Lord better than that. I know hearts were changed (even if it was just my own) and I know that people saw the Lord more clearly. It was hard walking away from a trip thinking that I could've done so much more.

I left feeling refreshed because I was at peace in the place I hold so dearly to my heart, but I also left feeling unsatisfied. I left feeling that I didn't do enough. That I could've presented the Gospel better. That I could've encouraged more. That I could've repented more. Let me tell you, PRAISE THE LORD FOR ME BEING INSUFFICIENT. Sometimes the Lord quietly humbles you so that you can be reminded of how much you really need him. I personally struggle with pride and allowing myself to become humbled is hard. I act and appear as if I have it all together and that I have all the answers, so much so that I often forget that inside I am a mess. I find it hard sharing my weaknesses because to me it's better to pretend that I don't have them (not a good way to think about it at all). The hardest part about this trip to me was realizing that I could do and say all the "right" things, but without fully relying on the sufficiency of Christ, it's never going to be good enough.

I am a failure when it comes to relying on the Lord's strength, guidance, and wisdom. In some ways we all fail at this. I often times find myself so confident in my own abilities that I forget what it means to be desperately relying on the Lord. I classify myself as an independent person and I don't like to rely on people, I want them to rely on me. As much as I want to have all the right answers, I don't have them. The sooner I learn to bring every little trial (whether big or small) to the Lord, the sooner I will be humbled. If I continue to constantly rely on my own strength, when am I going to learn to rely on God? If I learned anything in these past few months, it's this: being dependent doesn't make you weak. We were meant to be relational and to carry each others burdens. This becomes dangerous when we seek satisfaction in another person instead of God. However, He does surround us with wise people to help us in times of need. But with that being said, we have to first and foremost place our trust in Him (I am preaching to myself here). Friends, if we don't learn how to be dependent on the Lord, how are we supposed to be humble? There is so much more comfort in knowing that the Lord has our best interest in mind. Even if we can't see it at the time, God is good and he will ALWAYS be good. Humans are going to let us down, fail to meet our expectations, and even hurt us. But God is the ultimate example and he will NEVER fail us.

If anything, this jumbled blog is just a mess of thoughts that I am trying to think through during this season of life. My take away message to myself and to you is to "humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up" James 4:10. Being completely dependent doesn't make you weak, but uncovers just how broken you are and how much you NEED Jesus. I need Him, you need Him, we all need Him. We all know this in the depths of our core, but how often are we willing to admit it?

Surrendering Emotions

I am so thankful that we have a God that loves us so much that he gave us free will. He could have made us robots that just worshiped him 24/7, but instead God gave us emotions so that we can freely love him. Without the ability to feel, we wouldn't be able to fully appreciate the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross. We wouldn't be able to truly love or even contemplate what a selfless love feels like.

Each day brings different emotions. Whether it be anxiety before a test, joy because you get to go to your favorite place in the whole world, or fear that comes with hard conversations, we have the ability to feel it all. And we feel it all deeply. God gave us this beautiful and wonderful gift of emotion, but sometimes we can take it for granted. We have the opportunity to be worried, but God doesn't want us to distrust him with that emotion. God gave us emotions as a test of faith. Though we have the freedom to feel, what we choose to do with that emotion portrays our character.

In situations of anger, you are usually (not always) presented with two choices: 1) Take that anger out on someone else, or 2) take it to the Lord. If I take my anger and frustrations to the Lord and say, "Hey Jesus help me control my anger so that I can be a good representative of you" I would be surrendering my emotion to the Lord and trusting that he will correct me. Whenever we get really anxious or worried, God calls us to trust in him. If you think about it, anxiety stems from uncertainty and from fear that things won't turn out our way. That's distrusting God's beautiful and perfect plans for our lives. Trust me... it is hard to give up control. I still haven't mastered that skill yet. But what we have to realize is that things aren't always going to go our way. The sooner we can release control to the author and perfecter of our lives, the sooner we can experience peace beyond our understanding.

Another cool thing about surrendering our emotions is that it allows us to have quiet and intentional time with the Lord. Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." By coming before the Lord with our hands open saying "Lord, please align my thoughts and desires with yours" we are acknowledging that we are not in control and that our plan is not the best plan.

Friends, don't be afraid to surrender and humble yourself. By letting God have control over our emotions, we allow ourselves to be free. Just like Philippians 4:6-7 says, we will have peace. God is so good. He gave us freewill and the ability to feel deeply. He wants us to feel deeply. Emotions are not a bad thing! Just remember to take those feelings to the Lord and give him ultimate control. Be free.

God Over Fears

45. That's how many days until I embark on my 4th mission trip to Haiti. Yes... This is my third blog about Haiti. There will probably be many more too. After my last trip to Haiti, the Lord really opened my eyes to what it means to be a true follower. He taught me how to trust him with things I didn't think I could surrender. He taught me how all I had to do was whisper his name and he would move mountains.

45 days until the Haitian dirt is between my toes. 45 days until I get to tell little children that I like to eat them (all in good fun of course). 45 days until I am back with my friends laughing and singing songs about Jesus. I... cannot...wait. This is the most excited I have ever been for a trip and I am glad I have people on my team to share it with. My last trip in June was one that months leading up to I wasn't excited at all. I really felt that I needed to go to Haiti but there was a part of me that didn't want to. I didn't want to sacrifice time out of my already hectic summer. As the day approached for me to leave, I was becoming increasingly excited but still felt like I wanted to stay at home in my sweatpants and sleep for days. I knew that I was going to be uncomfortable. Since it was my third trip, I wasn't surprised by the lack of comfort I was going to have. I didn't want to go because I KNEW I was going to be uncomfortable and I was being too "prissy," if you will, to surrender that.

This 4th trip brings up totally different feelings because of the result of the previous one. At the end of my third trip I simply didn't want to come home. I was angry that I had to leave the place I loved so much. The moment I stepped on the U.S.A. territory, I plugged in my Lecrae (what I do when I get mad) and walked around the Miami airport alone. I needed time to process this incredible week that I just experienced but I couldn't. I didn't want to talk about Haiti with anyone except for those who were there with me. There were no words, and there still aren't, to describe the love, peace, joy, laughter, anger, and brokenness that you can only experience in Haiti.

Because of my trip in June, I am more excited than ever to go back in 45 days. However, Satan has been feeding me some pretty nasty lies. Telling me I am not good enough. I am not mature enough. I am not capable of what I am about to do. Friends, on October 10, I will be experiencing another side to Haiti that I have never seen before. I will be seeing girls in brothels who don't have a choice. Girls that want better for themselves and their family but have no way out. A hopelessness.  My heart is already broken for these women I am going to meet. As scared as I am to see that hurt and shame, I know that the Lord has prepared me for this moment. God has created me with the desire to share the depths of his love. I am not afraid because I think I am alone in this. I am afraid because I think I will mess up.

Thinking about it, it's such a silly thought. If God knows what's going to happen, can I really "mess up?" We have free-will and we make mistakes, but I fully believe that everything happens for a reason. Everything we do, whether positive or negative, impacts us. If we lived perfect lives we wouldn't grow as human beings. We would be the same and unchanging (characteristics of God not humans). I know that the Lord has me going on this trip for a reason. Yeah, Satan is feeding me lies. But I know they are lies. It's a matter of whether or not I choose to believe them. I can find comfort in knowing that there is a plan mapped out for me. I am excited to experience God in ways that I only can in Haiti. I am excited for the relationships that I will form. I am also excited to be surrounded by a powerhouse of women to help guide me through.

Is Satan feeding you lies? Are you being told that you aren't capable? You aren't good enough? You can't really believe in God because you keep sinning in one area? Those are all LIES. We can be sufficient in Christ because we are fully known and fully loved. God knows our weaknesses. He allows us to have them so that we can rely on him for strength. Don't run away because of the fears that consume your every thought. Pursue the God that is bigger than all of your fears.

Obedient to His Purpose

Hi friends,

I have been thinking about this topic a lot lately. Obedience. Let me tell you... It's hard! It's difficult to be obedient to anyone! If you're stubborn like me, there is really no incentive that can make you follow someone else's orders. I want to do it MY way. I don't care if your directions are going to get me there faster. I will take the long way...through the forest...through the ocean... and back around again before I listen to YOUR plan. That's how stubborn I am.

However, God calls us to be obedient. Not just obedient, but faithful in His plan. He promises us that he will NEVER forsake us. For example, let's look at Matthew 14 when Jesus walks on water. Peter asks Jesus to call him out of the boat and Jesus simply says "come." Peter leaps out of the boat, but as soon as he turns his eyes away, he starts sinking. Jesus says, "You of little faith, why did you doubt?" Not only did Jesus command Peter to walk on the water, but he asked Peter to have faith in him. What's the point of being obedient if you don't have faith in God's plan?

Over the past few weeks, God has led me to do some pretty hard things. Through these hard things, I have had a peace like I have never known before because I have faith that God's plan is better than my own. I came across a journal I wrote on October 7th, 2014 that said, "The thought keeps coming to my mind 'when are you going to stop running from me?' Lord, I am going to stop running. Show me your wisdom. I desire to know your plan for me. I am done running." Although I may not have completed what was asked of me in the moment, I took time to listen to a hard decision the Lord was placing on my heart.

When struggling with obedience, I often times try and tell myself that the hard things are really Satan's way of attacking me and not actually God's plan. The second I start to experience fear, doubt, or uncertainty, I tell myself that it was never God's plan in the first place. However, what I am just now realizing is that it could be God's plan but I am too stubborn and scared to recognize it. I don't want to do hard things. But unfortunately, it's not up to me. And let me tell you... I am SO glad it's not. Even though I have to constantly push myself out of my comfort zone, I can find peace and rest in knowing that I have a sovereign God that LOVES me so much he wills the good for me. He wants me to live a life in complete trust and belief that His plan is superior to my own. I may never see the good in the hard things, but I know that there is always a reason and purpose.

Friends, if you are struggling with surrendering a certain part of your life to God, pray about it. It may take days, months, years, but continue to pray without ceasing. Living in obedience gives you freedom in new ways. Be thankful that there is a Holy God that already knows your whole life and even has it mapped out for you. He doesn't want you to fail. If you trust in him, he will make your paths straight. That doesn't mean you won't experience pain or suffering. Living in full faith and full obedience will open up the doors to a complete trust in the Lord that you have never experienced before. Don't just tip toe into trusting God. Jump in the deep end. Don't know how to swim? Luckily there is a God who is the ultimate saver.

Haiti Round 3

*Note: Friends, there are no words to express my week in Haiti and it would simply take many hours to fully do it justice. Here is my attempt to express the emotions I felt throughout the week, as well as give you insight on what we did.

Have you ever been to a place so many times that you become familiar with the sights, sounds, and smells? You are so accustomed to this place that you expect what you are about to experience. Imagine going to grandma's house. She has lived there for many years and you know that every time you go, you are going to get the same treatment, have the same food, stay in the same room, and play the same card games over and over. This is how I feel about Haiti. I know where I am staying, the food I will be eating, and I don't expect to be surprised by anything I am going to see. At least this is what I thought. This week proved to be very different than any of my past trips. 

From the very beginning, months before we even left, Satan was planning his attack. It was evident in each of my team members lives. Satan knew that God was going to do something so amazing this week, and he wanted to stop it at all costs. Team members literally had to fight just to make it to the airport. Walmart runs the night before in order to get a suitcase because theirs had been taken. Being locked in their own neighborhood because of a power outage. Being delayed a total of 3 hours on two flights. That's Satan's work. That is spiritual warfare. 

We arrived in Port-A-Prince two hours behind schedule and luckily the airport was a breeze. We all expected the worst, but it ended up in our favor that we were able to get to the bus without an issue. As we were on our 45 minute drive to campus, I was sitting there admiring the beauty of God's creation. Haiti is truly a breath-taking place. Watching the sun go down on the mountain is one of my favorite views. We made a quick stop to grab Toro (the best energy drink ever) and we were on our way. I thought to myself "God is here. He loves Haiti and he cares so much for the people." I had an overwhelming sense of peace and happiness knowing that God was here with us. Less than 5 minutes later, that happiness was shattered by an awful accident on the side of the road. The strange thing was that there were no cars evidently involved. Our bus soared pass a lady laying on the side of the road, with blood retreating from her mouth, an obvious sign of internal bleeding or head injury. Cars continue to pass, and all I could think of is "who is going to tell her family." While the cause of this death is uncertain, I do know one thing for certain: This was planned in God's perfect timing, but also Satan used this opportunity against those of us who saw. Never before have I ever seen a recent death. I have seen family and friends in caskets, but never have I seen a death so recent that there was no cleaning up.

We continue traveling to the campus, and all of a sudden we pass it. We sit there for 10 minutes in silence before someone asks "Where are we going?" To our surprise, we were staying at the Bercy campus. If you have been to Haiti, you know the immediate differences between the Titanyen campus and the Bercy campus. On my first trip, Bercy wasn't a fully functioning campus yet. Bercy is missing a roof top to eno on, Madame Cheap Cheaps, the orphanage kids to play with on the basketball court, and of course the convenience of being 5 minutes away from Minoterie. As we passed Titanyen, I watched as some team members cried because they knew the obvious loss. I personally was excited for the new adventure, and also the cool breeze that comes with Bercy. Bercy is right by the ocean and there is about a 10 degree difference at night (which is really nice). 

Looking back on it, I know that our time would have been different if we would have stayed at Titanyen. I don't believe our team would have bonded in the same way. We found a pretty amazing place to hang our enos and that is where we spent most of our time. Although I missed the familiarity and convenience of Titanyen, I am grateful for our week in Bercy. 

The curveballs we experienced this week were pretty frequent. Here are a few:

• We showed up for village ministry and were taken to a construction site. We obviously had to decline this request because of our lack of appropriate attire (9 girls wearing skirts probably wouldn't have been the best decision). 
• Our intern got sick and couldn't attend the last few days
• I got what they call the "Haitian Sensation" and couldn't attend one of our days of ministry
• There were shootings in Minoterie when we were there (so close that we could hear the gunshots)
• During a ceremony dedicating the well Forest Hill sponsored, the people in charge called and said they wouldn't be able to make it (after they were already 45 minutes late). 

These aren't even all of them. Although we experienced a lot of surprises, we know that "In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." The tests we endured this week only brought us closer to God. Satan FAILED. 

Our hearts shattered on Tuesday. This was by far the hardest day for our team. We left around 8am to do village ministry. Basically, we are lead by translators and village champions (leaders in the community) to houses that have the most need. The group split into two, with 5 going one way and 8 going the other. In my group, our first house was a 17 year old and her boyfriend. They had the cutest 5 month old baby boy. She was unable to attend school because she couldn't leave her baby, but she also didn't have the money to go to school. I tried to put myself in her shoes and imagine having a baby at 17, no parents to support me, and no money to attend school. I know that things like that happen all the time in other countries, including America, but seeing the desperation in her eyes ripped through my heart. She loved Jesus and was seeking his provision. We prayed over her and continued on our way. 

Our translator took us to a house that was near to his heart. My team walked in and immediately the Haitian's got up so that we could sit in chairs. We sat along the edge of the room, with a lady dressed nicely sitting in the middle. The translator begins to explain that it was a "special day." I was thinking to myself "This is awesome. We are here to celebrate something wonderful." I couldn't have been more wrong. It turns out that the lady in the middle lost her daughter just the day before. The girl told her mom that she had a feeling she was going to die soon and made her friends go to the ocean with her, where she passed away. This girl was one year away from completing school, and happened to be best friends with our translator. The expression of grief on the faces of those in the room is indescribable. One of the staff members prayed over the lady, and as soon as she finished, our eyes were opened to a new part of Haitian culture. A family friend came running into the house screaming to the top of her lungs and threw herself on the ground next to the woman. They begin to wail together very loudly. We were ushered out of the house and I immediately looked at the expressions on my team members faces. Sitting in unbelief of what we just saw, we huddled up and prayed outside of the home. I will never forget the images of grief implanted in my mind. 

This was my teams last stop for the day. The other team visited two other houses and encountered demon possessed people, as well as a lady who needed serious help. Jacqueline is an older lady with what appeared to be a broken hip. She had no family in Minoterie and couldn't move from the waist down. If she ate, it was because of the grace of her neighbors. With no money or transportation to a hospital, it appeared as if Jacqueline was in a hopeless state. Thankfully, the next day, the village champion was able to take her to the hospital and in 4 months she will be able to receive surgery. Knowing that she was going to get help was a highlight for our team after an emotional day. 

After Tuesday, our week got slightly easier in terms of emotional stress. We saw hard things, but nothing like Tuesday. On Wednesday, I was plagued by the Haitian Sensation and had to sit out for the morning. Let me tell you, if you have never gotten the sensation, don't ask for it. IT IS NOT FUN. To my surprise and even my attempts to refuse her offer, Bekah stayed with me and we read books and enoed while I waited for my stomach to settle. We were able to go out around lunch time and enjoy an authentic Haitian meal. I was really praying that I would feel well enough for this because it's my favorite meal of the trip (and the Lord answered that prayer). As we were waiting to go into the restaurant, there were these boys that were about 12 years old that called me over. At first they were just joking around with me saying things like "Do you love me?" "Do you want to marry me?", and then one boy turned serious and said "My sister died two days ago." I knew that he was related to the same family we had met the day before, and again I was reminded of the images of grief. I walked away feeling despair for that family. 

With all the pain and suffering we saw and experienced, my team and I did have a lot of great memories. My favorite memory on this trip was probably beach day. It's always nice to get to go and relax after a hard week. We went to my favorite resort (I have only been to two) Moulin Sur Mer, which has a wonderful place to set up enos. My friends decided to be a little adventurous, and hung up their enos under the bridge. At one point, there were four enos hanging above the water. It was nice to be able to laugh, relax, and soak in the beauty of Haiti with this team. 

We had a lot of fun together and we will carry many memories. Some of the ones that stick out to me are:

• Singing "Boom Chicka Boom" on the canter with our translator
• Dancing to Lecrae with the Haitians
• Sitting on top of Gabe's roof and chilling
• Enoing at the conference center
• Playing football and soccer on our last night
• Telling kids that "I eat children" and watching them run away

There are so many things I can list, but that would take forever! I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to go on this trip. I am looking forward to my next trip in 90 days! Knowing that I am going back so soon helps me keep my eyes focused on the upcoming trip instead of feeling sad that I am not still in Haiti. Thank you to everyone who prayed over my team this week. We needed y'all big time. 

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

In a recent conversation with Ryan, he asked me what my main struggle was. Although there are a lot of options to choose from, the one that came to my head first is comparison. I have never really given this issue much thought and usually pushed it away from my mind until I heard a sermon by Matt Chandler. He talked about how women usually struggle with two things: Comparison and Perfectionism.

My comparison is fueled by one thing. It's the thing I am most addicted to. I tell myself that I can never live without it. That thing? Social Media. As I have given more thought about how I wanted to write this post, I wanted to clearly outline the ways that people, girls especially, fall prey to social media and how it inhibits our thinking in a very negative way.

I want to point out Instagram in particular. There is a very complex process that most of us go through when deciding whether or not to post a picture. Here are the steps:

1) When was the last time I posted a picture? Is it okay to post another one?
2) I have to wait until "prime time" to post it or I won't get as many likes.
3) Do I look good? Everyone else in the picture may look horrible, but as long as I look okay then I can post it.
4) Is this picture good enough or do I need to add a filter? Should I add a teeth whitening effect? What about fixing some fly away hairs? Or even better! Let me add 3 filters on top of one another so it really brings out my eyes.
5) Time to pick the perfect caption. Something clever but not TOO cheesy. Should I go for the heartfelt or a joke? What about a song lyric? Hmmmm... Maybe I will look up quotes on "friendship" or "love" and see if I find something good.
6) To add a location or not? That is the question....
7) Last but not least, ask at least 5 friends whether or not they approve so I know that at least someone likes it.

Does anyone see a problem with this method? The only way I was able to detail this method fully is because I DO IT TOO! I know that I am not the only one who thinks about these things when posting a picture. Why do we do it? Somewhere in the back of our minds, we are seeking for approval. We desire the likes because somehow in our mind it makes us popular. It makes us worth something. It makes us cool. But you know what? These temporary likes aren't what determines our worth. We automatically get disheveled when we don't get as many likes as we usually do. "Why wasn't this picture as popular?" "Was I not funny enough?" "Am I not pretty enough?" These are ALL thoughts that can pop into our minds when we subject ourselves to Instagram especially. We become so consumed with the approval of others that we forget to stop and consider that others approval does not really matter.

Maybe we don't post pictures often. Maybe we just like to scroll through our newsfeed and look at our friends pictures. I personally struggle with comparing my life to the pictures of my friends lives. Of course they aren't going to post a picture with no makeup and zit cream! It's silly to compare yourselves to your friends on Instagram when all you are seeing is well thought out perfection. Your friends might look like they are having the time of their lives with all the new friends they met, but where are the pictures of them fighting over a boy? The friendship that your friends have with their new friends, shouldn't be compared with the friends you are trying to make.

NOT EVERYTHING IS AS PERFECT AS IT SEEMS

I cannot think of a more true statement. Relationships aren't perfect. Friendships aren't perfect. LIVES aren't perfect. Instead of thinking "I wish I had their life," work on your own! If you truly stop comparing yourself to others and start looking at what God sees in YOU, it will help you develop a confidence in knowing that you were fearfully and wonderfully made.

God gave us all different gifts and talents so that we may glorify Him with everything we do. Our lives and journeys shouldn't be compared to those around us. No one has the "perfect life." So as a way to help me stop comparing myself to others, I am going to take a social media hiatus. That means for 1 week, I will delete Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, and Twitter off my phone. The amount of time I spend on social media a day is probably equivalent to an hour and half that I could spend doing something more productive. If anyone feels like they are struggling with the same thing, I urge you to join me in this challenge! I would love to have accountability partners through this one week. I will be starting on Wednesday, and ending on the following Wednesday. Email me at brisasander@gmail.com if you would like to join me or if you have any questions or comments. As always, thanks for reading :)

Humility, and Why I Hate It

Over the past couple of months, I have had three people call me out on one of my biggest downfalls... PRIDE. I always knew this was a struggle of mine but, just like all prideful people, I was afraid to admit it. Any person who struggles with pride can tell you 3 things they think about themselves. 1)They are always right. 2)Their way is better than yours. 3)They are good at everything.

Now of course these things aren't true, and it's silly to think you are good at everything AND right 100% of the time. You can only choose one :) As much as I wish that were true for me, it's simply not. As for why I hate humility? I am not good at it. No prideful person wants to admit that they can not do something well, and that's why I do not like humility. Why can't it be easier? Why couldn't I have just been blessed with that trait? I think it has something to do with God's plan for us....

When you accept Christ as your Savior, you are called to deny yourself. Luke 9:23 says, "And He said to them all, if any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me." Jesus tells us that if we choose to follow him, we must deny ourselves. Not just one time, but ALL the time. Jesus represents the perfect picture of humility. After all, He did come to Earth to die for each and every one of us. Nothing says humility like submitting to God's plan for your life. You are automatically handing over control and letting God know that your plans do not compare to the plans He has for you.

I believe we all struggle with different things, which is why Luke 9 applies to everyone no matter what your struggle is. Jesus asks us to deny ourselves and our selfish desires so that we can take up our cross. I personally struggle with the desire to control. I want my ducks in a row, I want you to do what I want, and I usually think I know best. Last week, my world rocked as I laid (I know, it's disgusting) on the bathroom floor in my dorm. With my roommate Ceci waiting outside of the door making sure I was okay, I just said "well this is humility right here." I was not even in control of my own body. I tried to be in control by making comments like "I am going to go throw up in 5 minutes." But every time I said things to that extreme, God would prove me wrong and have me laying on the ground for 10-15 minutes at a time.

Let me just throw this in there... Ceci wins friend-mom of the year. You all have those friends that are like your mom. I'm one of those (because I try to control everyone) but Ceci is genuine, has the biggest heart of anyone I know, and will help you whenever you need her. She was up at 2 in the morning with me making sure I was okay. This is the 3rd time (that I know of) that Ceci has helped someone in need this semester with sickness. A girl on our floor threw up in the shower while Ceci was taking a shower a few stalls over, and Ceci runs in the shower and wraps the girl up in a towel and helps her while she is throwing up. Who else would do that? I would probably run the other direction. She also left class early to escort a friend back to our dorm who was shaking and couldn't make it back herself. Ceci rocks.

My night of sickness was another example of God showing me humility. He constantly reminds me I am not in control and that denying myself is the best way to follow him. God created this universe and everything in it. Why should we get a say in what we think is best for us? Trying to control our lives to the very last detail is not going to bring us closer to God, but rather pull us away from Him. Recognizing that God is in control is the first step to becoming more humble. As I continue to be reminded of my pride, I am also reminded that God is in control of every detail of my life. Once you give your life to Christ, it is not about your wants, but what God wants for you. What a relief it is to me to be aware that I am not in control. It relieves me of my anxiety and desire to plan every last detail of my life. While I admit it is a daily struggle to hand my control issues over to God, I pray that I am constantly reminded of His perfect plan and His promise that He will work all things together for my good because He loves me.

The Reason For Friendship

There's this girl Allie. We met this year, but from our conversations you would have guessed we have been friends for years. There is a long story to how we became friends, but I am going to try and to my best to tell it in a short and concise way.

My senior year of high school, I decided to go to Charlotte Christian. My brother was on the football team, so I thought it made sense to go to the same school with him since I was previously doing online school and needed a change. The football team has a "blue and black" (or white and gold ;)) game before the school year where the team comes together and practices in front of the families. I felt a little bit awkward about going because I didn't know anyone. It just so happened that I met this girl Laura, who had already graduated from Charlotte Christian and had a brother on the team as well. Laura and Allie were roommates at Clemson during their first year, and I can remember Laura telling me how awesome Allie was and that I needed to meet her.

Fast forward to my first semester of college, I was in a World Religions class with this girl Terry. Terry, myself, and our friend Claire, would occasionally grab coffee together after our 9am class and talk about life and Jesus. I was talking about Ryan and the struggles with long distance, and Terry mentions that she has a friend that has a boyfriend that goes to Clemson, the same school that Ryan goes to. When she told me that, I got really excited because that meant there was someone out there that was in the exact same situation as me. How ironic is it to know a person that has a boyfriend who goes to Clemson as well?

I told Terry that I would love to get this girls number so that we can maybe grab coffee. As Terry pulls up the contact, I notice the name is Allie, who happens to be the same girl that Laura was telling me about months before. Laura, a girl I wouldn't have met unless I went to Charlotte Christian, and Terry, a girl I wouldn't have met unless coming to APP, both introduced me to Allie and I am so thankful for that.

The irony continues with the fact that Allie and I have both attended the same church in Charlotte, know the same people, and are pretty much the same person. From the first time I met Allie, I knew that we were meant to be friends. It was very clear that God had orchestrated us to be a part of each others lives. If you knew me Sophomore year of high school, you would know that I wanted to go to Baylor more than anything. A last minute decision brought me to APP and I am so grateful that God lead me here.

Allie is someone that gets me, my heart, and my struggles. Through our long conversations, I begin to learn more about myself (it's probably because she's majoring in psychology and can get these things out of me), and more about God. We have realized how similar we are to each others boyfriends. When she brings up something about Matt (her boyfriend) it sounds like something I would do. This applies both ways. Allie has been my go to person to talk about long distance problems because she truly gets it. It's cool to sit back and think "Well I didn't know why God was doing this in my life at the time, but now I get it." If Allie and I weren't both in long distance relationships, at APP, or wanting the same things out of life, we wouldn't relate as well as we do now. Not to mention that we both sing so there's another thing we have in common.

Seeing God's work through this friendship reminds me why God created friendship in the first place. He desires for us to have community and accountability. He doesn't want us to walk through our life on Earth with no relationships. He purposefully created these beautiful friendships as opportunities to know more about Him. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 states "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" Cherish your friendships and don't take them for granted! God has placed them in your life for a reason. Friendships are made for accountability, community, love, and a building of faith. I am so thankful for Allie, and also for the others that have spent time pouring into my life and lifting me up in Faith. Don't doubt the reason you are friends, but thank God that He has introduced you to each and every person in your life.

The Beautiful in the Broken

This June, I will be going on my 3rd mission trip to the beautiful country of Haiti. Most people are surprised by that word. Beautiful. This country is impacted by an earthquake, high unemployment rate, and very few houses to live in. Haiti is the poorest country in the world. 80% of the country lives on less than 2 dollars a day. Children are being abandoned because their parents do not even have the means to take care of themselves. Haiti is a broken country, but it is a beautiful one.

I have been praying about returning to Haiti for the past 3 months. There was a period of time where I would say at least once a week "I want to go to Haiti." I had kept in contact with a few of my translators from Haiti and they began messaging me for the first time in months. They started pursuing me and asking me when I was going to come back. I really wanted to go to Haiti again but there were so many hesitations that clouded my mind at the same time. Finally, I happily made the decision to go this June and I haven't looked back since!

I attended my first meeting on Sunday and not to my surprise, I only knew one person (the leader). I wish I would have counted the number of girls (probably 7 or 8) and only 2 guys. This is the smallest trip to Haiti I have ever be on. I know that I am in store for a much more different experience than I have had in the past. Different, but exciting! I have been reminiscing on my past 2 trips and looking at all of the pictures that I took and even some kids took on my phone. I couldn't be more excited to visit this beautiful country and the beautiful people. Thank you to everyone who has supported me in my past two trips! The relationships with the people I met have impacted my life and I am so excited to visit them again!

Makeup.... Uncovered

*DISCLAIMER* I am not trying to put down the use of makeup. I wear makeup all the time and I am not judging you if you do! Just trying to tie it into my point :)

During a conversation with one of my best friends the other night, we briefly talked about makeup and what we wear (you know, girl talk). It wasn't until later on I had the the chance to be alone with my thoughts, and I started thinking "Why is makeup so important to girls?", "Who even created makeup and why?" After these thoughts haunted my brain I finally turned to google for the answer. Apparently, we don't know why makeup was first invented, but we do know that Ancient Egyptian women would sometimes die from poison just to cover up their "flaws".

That seems a bit extreme right? Poisoning yourself accidentally just for the purpose of looking different. I don't mind makeup. I like to wear a little bit every once in awhile. However, I have recently stopped wearing my normal amount, and have gone 100% Brisa. My friend expressed how she doesn't feel as confident unless she is wearing all her makeup. My heart broke as I heard those words come out of her mouth. When did society start making girls feel like makeup makes them beautiful? It angers me to think that there are so many girls that feel like they HAVE to wear makeup to be accepted.

Every night before bed, the makeup comes off. You take your rag and scrub the layers of "perfection" off you face. Every night you go to bed looking like your TRUE self. It hit me that sometimes Christians do this in other areas in our life. We are afraid to be vulnerable (makeup-less) because we fear that someone might judge us for our failures. We SHOULDN'T have to fear that, but yet we do. Just like girls only go without makeup with their closest friends, we are only vulnerable with those that we are close with. I think being open and upfront with your shortcomings and failures is such a BEAUTIFUL thing. You never know who is going to be impacted or changed by your story. With that being said, I am not trying to indicate that we should be 100% vulnerable with our feelings to every person we meet.

We don't have to walk into an interview with an employer and be like "Hi my name is __________, and I struggle with _________." We simply shouldn't have to feel afraid of it. There is no reason that a girl should be afraid to go without makeup. In the same way, there is no reason for us to be afraid to be vulnerable with each other. I know that there are some things that happen in our past that make being vulnerable really scary. It might take a while to get over that and that's okay!! We all experience things in our own time! I think being vulnerable and helping our brothers and sisters in Christ is so beautiful and I would never want anyone to miss out on that opportunity. Don't be afraid to tell your friends why you have been hurt in the past! They LOVE YOU! I truly believe that God places strong friends in our lives to help us through the worst. Ultimately, God is the best comforter and healer, but he also supplies us with friends that encourage us, let us cry on their shoulder, give us wisdom, and call us out on our failures. Vulnerability is scary, but it's beautiful. To my friends who know my heart, thanks for letting me share it and thanks for being by my side through the worst.

Why I Hate Being a College Kid

Death. Something that no one should have to get used to. Unfortunately my fellow mountaineers and I have. Nine deaths and the year is not over. The first death was the one that shocked me the most. I had been in school for less than a month, if even that long, when I heard that a girl had gone missing from the dorm right behind mine. You heard the whispers of her name, the contradicting accounts of why she wanted to kill herself, and the professors view on it all for weeks. I remember where I was when I found out that she had died. I remember the tears rolling down my face and I can even recount saying that I did not want to go back to school.

Anna’s death hit me hard. I didn’t know things like this happened in college. I thought college was supposed to be “the best four years of your life.” How can one enjoy college when death becomes such a normal event on your campus? People knew Anna. She was someone's daughter. She was someone’s roommate. She had a lot of friends who loved her and cared deeply for her. Though they had only known her for a month, their relationships were real and the loss of her cut deep. I never thought this was going to happen my first year of college, let alone my first month. I never thought suicides were so prevalent in college, but maybe that was ignorance on my part.

There was one suicide that happened in my own dorm. I remember the tense emotion and the grief we all experienced in Lovill Hall. My friends and I didn’t know him, but chances are we shared an elevator ride or two. Maybe a “Hi. How are you doing?” could have changed his whole day. We just didn’t know him. Sometimes that hurts worse. Who would have guessed that a guy who lived two floors below you would choose that for himself? 

Appalachian is not the only school experiencing pain. Florida State and USC both suffered from a shooting. Auburn grieved over a bomb threat. Clemson experienced a fraternity hazing, which resulted in death. Why are colleges being attacked? I am sure there have been more traumatic events other than the ones I listed. We choose college for a better education so that we can help people through our jobs. No one was expecting to go through this troubling period that sends us through a whirlwind of emotions. It's times like this where I recognize how much I need Jesus. How much this WORLD needs Jesus. 

So what’s my point of this jumbled account? My point is that I hate being a college kid. I don't hate the friendships, and I don't hate the time I have spent here. I hate the fear that creeps up in my mind every once in awhile when I am studying in the library and I think "What if a shooter walks through that door? Where will I hide?" This stuff hits deep. What sets us apart as college students is the fact that we are all separated from the past 18 years of our lives, while living in a close proximity to tens of thousands of other students. We are all experiencing this new life together, but in our own unique way. These tragedies do not become reality until you live them. We are LIVING through all this pain and suffering that is happening all around us. We are not watching it on TV anymore and thanking God that it is not us. It is us. 

The only thing keeping me sane is my faith in Christ. I know that through all of this pain, God will reveal his glory. Romans 8:18 tells us “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” God has a plan for each and every college campus in the world. And as much as I hate being a college kid during this present time, I know that God has a plan for me at App. I know that depression is a very real thing that many people struggle with. There are so many resources on any college campus' that are willing to help you! Your friends want to help you! If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts of any kind, seek help! That's not a weakness to seek help. In fact, I would even say it demonstrates STRENGTH. You were FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY  made by a creator who loves you so much. He made you for a reason! He sent His son to die on the cross so that you could live a free life. Rejoice in His majesty and in the free gift that he has given each and every one of us.

This Shall Be Fun

So here's the thing.... I suck at writing. In high school I thought that if I took AP english classes I would magically enhance my writing, but nope I actually think I somehow got worse. However, I am good at thinking. I have all my thoughts in order and even know what I am trying to say. The bad thing is, I just can't adequately express them in words or on paper. So I am sorry if you ever feel like you have no idea what I am writing about. Chances are I don't either.

I never thought I would be the one to create a blog. I have a few good friends of mine that are awesome at articulating their words and have really powerful and convicting blogs. Since I am not a good writer, it never really made sense to me to create a blog. My preferred method of expressing myself is through song, but that seems a little silly to post.

As I have prayed over this blog and what the Lord wants to use it for, I also pray that he can help me dictate my thoughts clearly. I am really hoping to see the Holy Spirit convey himself through my writing and hopefully make me a better writer :). There have been a few topics that the Lord has laid on my heart and I felt that it would be stupid not to share them. So over this next season of my life, I want to share with you (whoever reads this) whatever joy, pain, sadness, beauty, and any other emotion the Lord reveals to me.

If you are wondering about the title of the blog, "help me to never seek a crown" it comes from a song I learned in church this morning called "Oh Lord, You're Beautiful." This closing lyric at the end really touched my heart and made me really think about the purpose of our time on Earth. The lyric reads "And when I am doing well, help me to never seek a crown, for my reward is giving glory to you." I don't know if that convicts anyone, but even just writing those words gave me chills. I don't know how many times I have tried to take credit for something that wasn't even mine to take credit for in the first place. As a Christian, my hope for my non-Christian friends is that they can see Christ's love through me. But that's just the thing.... I am trying to take credit for the "good job" I am doing instead of recognizing that it is through the Holy Spirit that I am able to KNOW God's love, but also to SHOW God's love. None of that has to do with me. To think that I have any part in showing my friend to Christ is discounting the power of the Holy Spirit. So as I reflect on those lyrics that impacted my heart, I desire to not seek the crown. It's not about me. It's about HIM.