A Mess of Thoughts...

I can't believe that I was in Haiti a little over a month ago. Sitting here writing a blog about my experience seems a little surreal. It feels like it has been forever since my feet were in the Haitian dirt. My heart hurts a little bit just thinking about how I am not there. The frigid weather in Boone reminds me to appreciate the scorching hot heat in Haiti.

I find it hard to allow my mind to wander back to October in Haiti as it is too painful. When I came home, I was so certain that the Lord was guiding me to spend a longer amount of time in Haiti. The internship that Mission of Hope offers seemed like a dream at the time, but now I am unsure. Maybe the "Haiti High" has disappeared and I have fallen back into the comfort of my life here. My most recent trip evoked feelings I didn't know I had. I had such a peace and an "okayness" (word I made up) while I was there. I was scared because I didn't feel as broken as I had before. Everyday I questioned myself because my mind was unable to see just how broken Haiti is. I still don't know why I had so much peace while I was there. I was expecting my heart to be shattered at every moment and every encounter. However, I felt like I belonged there. Instead of questioning "why am I here?" I just knew I was supposed to be.

Leading up to my trip, I did a little heart seeking in order to figure out my purpose for going. I was reminded by someone very wise that my purpose in going was to serve God and the people there. How silly it was for me to let that slip my mind. Instead of going with the attitude of, "what is Haiti going to do for me?," I needed to be reminded that I wasn't going for my benefit at all. I really do have to trust in the Lord and His goodness and sovereignty because I may never see the seeds that were planted while I was there grow. The work we did seemed so minuscule and it didn't appear as if it bore fruit, but I know the Lord better than that. I know hearts were changed (even if it was just my own) and I know that people saw the Lord more clearly. It was hard walking away from a trip thinking that I could've done so much more.

I left feeling refreshed because I was at peace in the place I hold so dearly to my heart, but I also left feeling unsatisfied. I left feeling that I didn't do enough. That I could've presented the Gospel better. That I could've encouraged more. That I could've repented more. Let me tell you, PRAISE THE LORD FOR ME BEING INSUFFICIENT. Sometimes the Lord quietly humbles you so that you can be reminded of how much you really need him. I personally struggle with pride and allowing myself to become humbled is hard. I act and appear as if I have it all together and that I have all the answers, so much so that I often forget that inside I am a mess. I find it hard sharing my weaknesses because to me it's better to pretend that I don't have them (not a good way to think about it at all). The hardest part about this trip to me was realizing that I could do and say all the "right" things, but without fully relying on the sufficiency of Christ, it's never going to be good enough.

I am a failure when it comes to relying on the Lord's strength, guidance, and wisdom. In some ways we all fail at this. I often times find myself so confident in my own abilities that I forget what it means to be desperately relying on the Lord. I classify myself as an independent person and I don't like to rely on people, I want them to rely on me. As much as I want to have all the right answers, I don't have them. The sooner I learn to bring every little trial (whether big or small) to the Lord, the sooner I will be humbled. If I continue to constantly rely on my own strength, when am I going to learn to rely on God? If I learned anything in these past few months, it's this: being dependent doesn't make you weak. We were meant to be relational and to carry each others burdens. This becomes dangerous when we seek satisfaction in another person instead of God. However, He does surround us with wise people to help us in times of need. But with that being said, we have to first and foremost place our trust in Him (I am preaching to myself here). Friends, if we don't learn how to be dependent on the Lord, how are we supposed to be humble? There is so much more comfort in knowing that the Lord has our best interest in mind. Even if we can't see it at the time, God is good and he will ALWAYS be good. Humans are going to let us down, fail to meet our expectations, and even hurt us. But God is the ultimate example and he will NEVER fail us.

If anything, this jumbled blog is just a mess of thoughts that I am trying to think through during this season of life. My take away message to myself and to you is to "humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up" James 4:10. Being completely dependent doesn't make you weak, but uncovers just how broken you are and how much you NEED Jesus. I need Him, you need Him, we all need Him. We all know this in the depths of our core, but how often are we willing to admit it?