Humility, and Why I Hate It

Over the past couple of months, I have had three people call me out on one of my biggest downfalls... PRIDE. I always knew this was a struggle of mine but, just like all prideful people, I was afraid to admit it. Any person who struggles with pride can tell you 3 things they think about themselves. 1)They are always right. 2)Their way is better than yours. 3)They are good at everything.

Now of course these things aren't true, and it's silly to think you are good at everything AND right 100% of the time. You can only choose one :) As much as I wish that were true for me, it's simply not. As for why I hate humility? I am not good at it. No prideful person wants to admit that they can not do something well, and that's why I do not like humility. Why can't it be easier? Why couldn't I have just been blessed with that trait? I think it has something to do with God's plan for us....

When you accept Christ as your Savior, you are called to deny yourself. Luke 9:23 says, "And He said to them all, if any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me." Jesus tells us that if we choose to follow him, we must deny ourselves. Not just one time, but ALL the time. Jesus represents the perfect picture of humility. After all, He did come to Earth to die for each and every one of us. Nothing says humility like submitting to God's plan for your life. You are automatically handing over control and letting God know that your plans do not compare to the plans He has for you.

I believe we all struggle with different things, which is why Luke 9 applies to everyone no matter what your struggle is. Jesus asks us to deny ourselves and our selfish desires so that we can take up our cross. I personally struggle with the desire to control. I want my ducks in a row, I want you to do what I want, and I usually think I know best. Last week, my world rocked as I laid (I know, it's disgusting) on the bathroom floor in my dorm. With my roommate Ceci waiting outside of the door making sure I was okay, I just said "well this is humility right here." I was not even in control of my own body. I tried to be in control by making comments like "I am going to go throw up in 5 minutes." But every time I said things to that extreme, God would prove me wrong and have me laying on the ground for 10-15 minutes at a time.

Let me just throw this in there... Ceci wins friend-mom of the year. You all have those friends that are like your mom. I'm one of those (because I try to control everyone) but Ceci is genuine, has the biggest heart of anyone I know, and will help you whenever you need her. She was up at 2 in the morning with me making sure I was okay. This is the 3rd time (that I know of) that Ceci has helped someone in need this semester with sickness. A girl on our floor threw up in the shower while Ceci was taking a shower a few stalls over, and Ceci runs in the shower and wraps the girl up in a towel and helps her while she is throwing up. Who else would do that? I would probably run the other direction. She also left class early to escort a friend back to our dorm who was shaking and couldn't make it back herself. Ceci rocks.

My night of sickness was another example of God showing me humility. He constantly reminds me I am not in control and that denying myself is the best way to follow him. God created this universe and everything in it. Why should we get a say in what we think is best for us? Trying to control our lives to the very last detail is not going to bring us closer to God, but rather pull us away from Him. Recognizing that God is in control is the first step to becoming more humble. As I continue to be reminded of my pride, I am also reminded that God is in control of every detail of my life. Once you give your life to Christ, it is not about your wants, but what God wants for you. What a relief it is to me to be aware that I am not in control. It relieves me of my anxiety and desire to plan every last detail of my life. While I admit it is a daily struggle to hand my control issues over to God, I pray that I am constantly reminded of His perfect plan and His promise that He will work all things together for my good because He loves me.

The Reason For Friendship

There's this girl Allie. We met this year, but from our conversations you would have guessed we have been friends for years. There is a long story to how we became friends, but I am going to try and to my best to tell it in a short and concise way.

My senior year of high school, I decided to go to Charlotte Christian. My brother was on the football team, so I thought it made sense to go to the same school with him since I was previously doing online school and needed a change. The football team has a "blue and black" (or white and gold ;)) game before the school year where the team comes together and practices in front of the families. I felt a little bit awkward about going because I didn't know anyone. It just so happened that I met this girl Laura, who had already graduated from Charlotte Christian and had a brother on the team as well. Laura and Allie were roommates at Clemson during their first year, and I can remember Laura telling me how awesome Allie was and that I needed to meet her.

Fast forward to my first semester of college, I was in a World Religions class with this girl Terry. Terry, myself, and our friend Claire, would occasionally grab coffee together after our 9am class and talk about life and Jesus. I was talking about Ryan and the struggles with long distance, and Terry mentions that she has a friend that has a boyfriend that goes to Clemson, the same school that Ryan goes to. When she told me that, I got really excited because that meant there was someone out there that was in the exact same situation as me. How ironic is it to know a person that has a boyfriend who goes to Clemson as well?

I told Terry that I would love to get this girls number so that we can maybe grab coffee. As Terry pulls up the contact, I notice the name is Allie, who happens to be the same girl that Laura was telling me about months before. Laura, a girl I wouldn't have met unless I went to Charlotte Christian, and Terry, a girl I wouldn't have met unless coming to APP, both introduced me to Allie and I am so thankful for that.

The irony continues with the fact that Allie and I have both attended the same church in Charlotte, know the same people, and are pretty much the same person. From the first time I met Allie, I knew that we were meant to be friends. It was very clear that God had orchestrated us to be a part of each others lives. If you knew me Sophomore year of high school, you would know that I wanted to go to Baylor more than anything. A last minute decision brought me to APP and I am so grateful that God lead me here.

Allie is someone that gets me, my heart, and my struggles. Through our long conversations, I begin to learn more about myself (it's probably because she's majoring in psychology and can get these things out of me), and more about God. We have realized how similar we are to each others boyfriends. When she brings up something about Matt (her boyfriend) it sounds like something I would do. This applies both ways. Allie has been my go to person to talk about long distance problems because she truly gets it. It's cool to sit back and think "Well I didn't know why God was doing this in my life at the time, but now I get it." If Allie and I weren't both in long distance relationships, at APP, or wanting the same things out of life, we wouldn't relate as well as we do now. Not to mention that we both sing so there's another thing we have in common.

Seeing God's work through this friendship reminds me why God created friendship in the first place. He desires for us to have community and accountability. He doesn't want us to walk through our life on Earth with no relationships. He purposefully created these beautiful friendships as opportunities to know more about Him. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 states "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" Cherish your friendships and don't take them for granted! God has placed them in your life for a reason. Friendships are made for accountability, community, love, and a building of faith. I am so thankful for Allie, and also for the others that have spent time pouring into my life and lifting me up in Faith. Don't doubt the reason you are friends, but thank God that He has introduced you to each and every person in your life.

The Beautiful in the Broken

This June, I will be going on my 3rd mission trip to the beautiful country of Haiti. Most people are surprised by that word. Beautiful. This country is impacted by an earthquake, high unemployment rate, and very few houses to live in. Haiti is the poorest country in the world. 80% of the country lives on less than 2 dollars a day. Children are being abandoned because their parents do not even have the means to take care of themselves. Haiti is a broken country, but it is a beautiful one.

I have been praying about returning to Haiti for the past 3 months. There was a period of time where I would say at least once a week "I want to go to Haiti." I had kept in contact with a few of my translators from Haiti and they began messaging me for the first time in months. They started pursuing me and asking me when I was going to come back. I really wanted to go to Haiti again but there were so many hesitations that clouded my mind at the same time. Finally, I happily made the decision to go this June and I haven't looked back since!

I attended my first meeting on Sunday and not to my surprise, I only knew one person (the leader). I wish I would have counted the number of girls (probably 7 or 8) and only 2 guys. This is the smallest trip to Haiti I have ever be on. I know that I am in store for a much more different experience than I have had in the past. Different, but exciting! I have been reminiscing on my past 2 trips and looking at all of the pictures that I took and even some kids took on my phone. I couldn't be more excited to visit this beautiful country and the beautiful people. Thank you to everyone who has supported me in my past two trips! The relationships with the people I met have impacted my life and I am so excited to visit them again!

Makeup.... Uncovered

*DISCLAIMER* I am not trying to put down the use of makeup. I wear makeup all the time and I am not judging you if you do! Just trying to tie it into my point :)

During a conversation with one of my best friends the other night, we briefly talked about makeup and what we wear (you know, girl talk). It wasn't until later on I had the the chance to be alone with my thoughts, and I started thinking "Why is makeup so important to girls?", "Who even created makeup and why?" After these thoughts haunted my brain I finally turned to google for the answer. Apparently, we don't know why makeup was first invented, but we do know that Ancient Egyptian women would sometimes die from poison just to cover up their "flaws".

That seems a bit extreme right? Poisoning yourself accidentally just for the purpose of looking different. I don't mind makeup. I like to wear a little bit every once in awhile. However, I have recently stopped wearing my normal amount, and have gone 100% Brisa. My friend expressed how she doesn't feel as confident unless she is wearing all her makeup. My heart broke as I heard those words come out of her mouth. When did society start making girls feel like makeup makes them beautiful? It angers me to think that there are so many girls that feel like they HAVE to wear makeup to be accepted.

Every night before bed, the makeup comes off. You take your rag and scrub the layers of "perfection" off you face. Every night you go to bed looking like your TRUE self. It hit me that sometimes Christians do this in other areas in our life. We are afraid to be vulnerable (makeup-less) because we fear that someone might judge us for our failures. We SHOULDN'T have to fear that, but yet we do. Just like girls only go without makeup with their closest friends, we are only vulnerable with those that we are close with. I think being open and upfront with your shortcomings and failures is such a BEAUTIFUL thing. You never know who is going to be impacted or changed by your story. With that being said, I am not trying to indicate that we should be 100% vulnerable with our feelings to every person we meet.

We don't have to walk into an interview with an employer and be like "Hi my name is __________, and I struggle with _________." We simply shouldn't have to feel afraid of it. There is no reason that a girl should be afraid to go without makeup. In the same way, there is no reason for us to be afraid to be vulnerable with each other. I know that there are some things that happen in our past that make being vulnerable really scary. It might take a while to get over that and that's okay!! We all experience things in our own time! I think being vulnerable and helping our brothers and sisters in Christ is so beautiful and I would never want anyone to miss out on that opportunity. Don't be afraid to tell your friends why you have been hurt in the past! They LOVE YOU! I truly believe that God places strong friends in our lives to help us through the worst. Ultimately, God is the best comforter and healer, but he also supplies us with friends that encourage us, let us cry on their shoulder, give us wisdom, and call us out on our failures. Vulnerability is scary, but it's beautiful. To my friends who know my heart, thanks for letting me share it and thanks for being by my side through the worst.

Why I Hate Being a College Kid

Death. Something that no one should have to get used to. Unfortunately my fellow mountaineers and I have. Nine deaths and the year is not over. The first death was the one that shocked me the most. I had been in school for less than a month, if even that long, when I heard that a girl had gone missing from the dorm right behind mine. You heard the whispers of her name, the contradicting accounts of why she wanted to kill herself, and the professors view on it all for weeks. I remember where I was when I found out that she had died. I remember the tears rolling down my face and I can even recount saying that I did not want to go back to school.

Anna’s death hit me hard. I didn’t know things like this happened in college. I thought college was supposed to be “the best four years of your life.” How can one enjoy college when death becomes such a normal event on your campus? People knew Anna. She was someone's daughter. She was someone’s roommate. She had a lot of friends who loved her and cared deeply for her. Though they had only known her for a month, their relationships were real and the loss of her cut deep. I never thought this was going to happen my first year of college, let alone my first month. I never thought suicides were so prevalent in college, but maybe that was ignorance on my part.

There was one suicide that happened in my own dorm. I remember the tense emotion and the grief we all experienced in Lovill Hall. My friends and I didn’t know him, but chances are we shared an elevator ride or two. Maybe a “Hi. How are you doing?” could have changed his whole day. We just didn’t know him. Sometimes that hurts worse. Who would have guessed that a guy who lived two floors below you would choose that for himself? 

Appalachian is not the only school experiencing pain. Florida State and USC both suffered from a shooting. Auburn grieved over a bomb threat. Clemson experienced a fraternity hazing, which resulted in death. Why are colleges being attacked? I am sure there have been more traumatic events other than the ones I listed. We choose college for a better education so that we can help people through our jobs. No one was expecting to go through this troubling period that sends us through a whirlwind of emotions. It's times like this where I recognize how much I need Jesus. How much this WORLD needs Jesus. 

So what’s my point of this jumbled account? My point is that I hate being a college kid. I don't hate the friendships, and I don't hate the time I have spent here. I hate the fear that creeps up in my mind every once in awhile when I am studying in the library and I think "What if a shooter walks through that door? Where will I hide?" This stuff hits deep. What sets us apart as college students is the fact that we are all separated from the past 18 years of our lives, while living in a close proximity to tens of thousands of other students. We are all experiencing this new life together, but in our own unique way. These tragedies do not become reality until you live them. We are LIVING through all this pain and suffering that is happening all around us. We are not watching it on TV anymore and thanking God that it is not us. It is us. 

The only thing keeping me sane is my faith in Christ. I know that through all of this pain, God will reveal his glory. Romans 8:18 tells us “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” God has a plan for each and every college campus in the world. And as much as I hate being a college kid during this present time, I know that God has a plan for me at App. I know that depression is a very real thing that many people struggle with. There are so many resources on any college campus' that are willing to help you! Your friends want to help you! If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts of any kind, seek help! That's not a weakness to seek help. In fact, I would even say it demonstrates STRENGTH. You were FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY  made by a creator who loves you so much. He made you for a reason! He sent His son to die on the cross so that you could live a free life. Rejoice in His majesty and in the free gift that he has given each and every one of us.

This Shall Be Fun

So here's the thing.... I suck at writing. In high school I thought that if I took AP english classes I would magically enhance my writing, but nope I actually think I somehow got worse. However, I am good at thinking. I have all my thoughts in order and even know what I am trying to say. The bad thing is, I just can't adequately express them in words or on paper. So I am sorry if you ever feel like you have no idea what I am writing about. Chances are I don't either.

I never thought I would be the one to create a blog. I have a few good friends of mine that are awesome at articulating their words and have really powerful and convicting blogs. Since I am not a good writer, it never really made sense to me to create a blog. My preferred method of expressing myself is through song, but that seems a little silly to post.

As I have prayed over this blog and what the Lord wants to use it for, I also pray that he can help me dictate my thoughts clearly. I am really hoping to see the Holy Spirit convey himself through my writing and hopefully make me a better writer :). There have been a few topics that the Lord has laid on my heart and I felt that it would be stupid not to share them. So over this next season of my life, I want to share with you (whoever reads this) whatever joy, pain, sadness, beauty, and any other emotion the Lord reveals to me.

If you are wondering about the title of the blog, "help me to never seek a crown" it comes from a song I learned in church this morning called "Oh Lord, You're Beautiful." This closing lyric at the end really touched my heart and made me really think about the purpose of our time on Earth. The lyric reads "And when I am doing well, help me to never seek a crown, for my reward is giving glory to you." I don't know if that convicts anyone, but even just writing those words gave me chills. I don't know how many times I have tried to take credit for something that wasn't even mine to take credit for in the first place. As a Christian, my hope for my non-Christian friends is that they can see Christ's love through me. But that's just the thing.... I am trying to take credit for the "good job" I am doing instead of recognizing that it is through the Holy Spirit that I am able to KNOW God's love, but also to SHOW God's love. None of that has to do with me. To think that I have any part in showing my friend to Christ is discounting the power of the Holy Spirit. So as I reflect on those lyrics that impacted my heart, I desire to not seek the crown. It's not about me. It's about HIM.