The Beautiful in the Broken

This June, I will be going on my 3rd mission trip to the beautiful country of Haiti. Most people are surprised by that word. Beautiful. This country is impacted by an earthquake, high unemployment rate, and very few houses to live in. Haiti is the poorest country in the world. 80% of the country lives on less than 2 dollars a day. Children are being abandoned because their parents do not even have the means to take care of themselves. Haiti is a broken country, but it is a beautiful one.

I have been praying about returning to Haiti for the past 3 months. There was a period of time where I would say at least once a week "I want to go to Haiti." I had kept in contact with a few of my translators from Haiti and they began messaging me for the first time in months. They started pursuing me and asking me when I was going to come back. I really wanted to go to Haiti again but there were so many hesitations that clouded my mind at the same time. Finally, I happily made the decision to go this June and I haven't looked back since!

I attended my first meeting on Sunday and not to my surprise, I only knew one person (the leader). I wish I would have counted the number of girls (probably 7 or 8) and only 2 guys. This is the smallest trip to Haiti I have ever be on. I know that I am in store for a much more different experience than I have had in the past. Different, but exciting! I have been reminiscing on my past 2 trips and looking at all of the pictures that I took and even some kids took on my phone. I couldn't be more excited to visit this beautiful country and the beautiful people. Thank you to everyone who has supported me in my past two trips! The relationships with the people I met have impacted my life and I am so excited to visit them again!

Makeup.... Uncovered

*DISCLAIMER* I am not trying to put down the use of makeup. I wear makeup all the time and I am not judging you if you do! Just trying to tie it into my point :)

During a conversation with one of my best friends the other night, we briefly talked about makeup and what we wear (you know, girl talk). It wasn't until later on I had the the chance to be alone with my thoughts, and I started thinking "Why is makeup so important to girls?", "Who even created makeup and why?" After these thoughts haunted my brain I finally turned to google for the answer. Apparently, we don't know why makeup was first invented, but we do know that Ancient Egyptian women would sometimes die from poison just to cover up their "flaws".

That seems a bit extreme right? Poisoning yourself accidentally just for the purpose of looking different. I don't mind makeup. I like to wear a little bit every once in awhile. However, I have recently stopped wearing my normal amount, and have gone 100% Brisa. My friend expressed how she doesn't feel as confident unless she is wearing all her makeup. My heart broke as I heard those words come out of her mouth. When did society start making girls feel like makeup makes them beautiful? It angers me to think that there are so many girls that feel like they HAVE to wear makeup to be accepted.

Every night before bed, the makeup comes off. You take your rag and scrub the layers of "perfection" off you face. Every night you go to bed looking like your TRUE self. It hit me that sometimes Christians do this in other areas in our life. We are afraid to be vulnerable (makeup-less) because we fear that someone might judge us for our failures. We SHOULDN'T have to fear that, but yet we do. Just like girls only go without makeup with their closest friends, we are only vulnerable with those that we are close with. I think being open and upfront with your shortcomings and failures is such a BEAUTIFUL thing. You never know who is going to be impacted or changed by your story. With that being said, I am not trying to indicate that we should be 100% vulnerable with our feelings to every person we meet.

We don't have to walk into an interview with an employer and be like "Hi my name is __________, and I struggle with _________." We simply shouldn't have to feel afraid of it. There is no reason that a girl should be afraid to go without makeup. In the same way, there is no reason for us to be afraid to be vulnerable with each other. I know that there are some things that happen in our past that make being vulnerable really scary. It might take a while to get over that and that's okay!! We all experience things in our own time! I think being vulnerable and helping our brothers and sisters in Christ is so beautiful and I would never want anyone to miss out on that opportunity. Don't be afraid to tell your friends why you have been hurt in the past! They LOVE YOU! I truly believe that God places strong friends in our lives to help us through the worst. Ultimately, God is the best comforter and healer, but he also supplies us with friends that encourage us, let us cry on their shoulder, give us wisdom, and call us out on our failures. Vulnerability is scary, but it's beautiful. To my friends who know my heart, thanks for letting me share it and thanks for being by my side through the worst.

Why I Hate Being a College Kid

Death. Something that no one should have to get used to. Unfortunately my fellow mountaineers and I have. Nine deaths and the year is not over. The first death was the one that shocked me the most. I had been in school for less than a month, if even that long, when I heard that a girl had gone missing from the dorm right behind mine. You heard the whispers of her name, the contradicting accounts of why she wanted to kill herself, and the professors view on it all for weeks. I remember where I was when I found out that she had died. I remember the tears rolling down my face and I can even recount saying that I did not want to go back to school.

Anna’s death hit me hard. I didn’t know things like this happened in college. I thought college was supposed to be “the best four years of your life.” How can one enjoy college when death becomes such a normal event on your campus? People knew Anna. She was someone's daughter. She was someone’s roommate. She had a lot of friends who loved her and cared deeply for her. Though they had only known her for a month, their relationships were real and the loss of her cut deep. I never thought this was going to happen my first year of college, let alone my first month. I never thought suicides were so prevalent in college, but maybe that was ignorance on my part.

There was one suicide that happened in my own dorm. I remember the tense emotion and the grief we all experienced in Lovill Hall. My friends and I didn’t know him, but chances are we shared an elevator ride or two. Maybe a “Hi. How are you doing?” could have changed his whole day. We just didn’t know him. Sometimes that hurts worse. Who would have guessed that a guy who lived two floors below you would choose that for himself? 

Appalachian is not the only school experiencing pain. Florida State and USC both suffered from a shooting. Auburn grieved over a bomb threat. Clemson experienced a fraternity hazing, which resulted in death. Why are colleges being attacked? I am sure there have been more traumatic events other than the ones I listed. We choose college for a better education so that we can help people through our jobs. No one was expecting to go through this troubling period that sends us through a whirlwind of emotions. It's times like this where I recognize how much I need Jesus. How much this WORLD needs Jesus. 

So what’s my point of this jumbled account? My point is that I hate being a college kid. I don't hate the friendships, and I don't hate the time I have spent here. I hate the fear that creeps up in my mind every once in awhile when I am studying in the library and I think "What if a shooter walks through that door? Where will I hide?" This stuff hits deep. What sets us apart as college students is the fact that we are all separated from the past 18 years of our lives, while living in a close proximity to tens of thousands of other students. We are all experiencing this new life together, but in our own unique way. These tragedies do not become reality until you live them. We are LIVING through all this pain and suffering that is happening all around us. We are not watching it on TV anymore and thanking God that it is not us. It is us. 

The only thing keeping me sane is my faith in Christ. I know that through all of this pain, God will reveal his glory. Romans 8:18 tells us “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” God has a plan for each and every college campus in the world. And as much as I hate being a college kid during this present time, I know that God has a plan for me at App. I know that depression is a very real thing that many people struggle with. There are so many resources on any college campus' that are willing to help you! Your friends want to help you! If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts of any kind, seek help! That's not a weakness to seek help. In fact, I would even say it demonstrates STRENGTH. You were FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY  made by a creator who loves you so much. He made you for a reason! He sent His son to die on the cross so that you could live a free life. Rejoice in His majesty and in the free gift that he has given each and every one of us.

This Shall Be Fun

So here's the thing.... I suck at writing. In high school I thought that if I took AP english classes I would magically enhance my writing, but nope I actually think I somehow got worse. However, I am good at thinking. I have all my thoughts in order and even know what I am trying to say. The bad thing is, I just can't adequately express them in words or on paper. So I am sorry if you ever feel like you have no idea what I am writing about. Chances are I don't either.

I never thought I would be the one to create a blog. I have a few good friends of mine that are awesome at articulating their words and have really powerful and convicting blogs. Since I am not a good writer, it never really made sense to me to create a blog. My preferred method of expressing myself is through song, but that seems a little silly to post.

As I have prayed over this blog and what the Lord wants to use it for, I also pray that he can help me dictate my thoughts clearly. I am really hoping to see the Holy Spirit convey himself through my writing and hopefully make me a better writer :). There have been a few topics that the Lord has laid on my heart and I felt that it would be stupid not to share them. So over this next season of my life, I want to share with you (whoever reads this) whatever joy, pain, sadness, beauty, and any other emotion the Lord reveals to me.

If you are wondering about the title of the blog, "help me to never seek a crown" it comes from a song I learned in church this morning called "Oh Lord, You're Beautiful." This closing lyric at the end really touched my heart and made me really think about the purpose of our time on Earth. The lyric reads "And when I am doing well, help me to never seek a crown, for my reward is giving glory to you." I don't know if that convicts anyone, but even just writing those words gave me chills. I don't know how many times I have tried to take credit for something that wasn't even mine to take credit for in the first place. As a Christian, my hope for my non-Christian friends is that they can see Christ's love through me. But that's just the thing.... I am trying to take credit for the "good job" I am doing instead of recognizing that it is through the Holy Spirit that I am able to KNOW God's love, but also to SHOW God's love. None of that has to do with me. To think that I have any part in showing my friend to Christ is discounting the power of the Holy Spirit. So as I reflect on those lyrics that impacted my heart, I desire to not seek the crown. It's not about me. It's about HIM.